Adult Woman Sees Crush in Grocery Store, Hides Behind Baguette

Gluten-Infused Hiding Place

“I don’t like running into anyone I know at the store,” Minerva Blume told reporters. “But when I saw Leonard by the yogurt aisle I went into flight mode. I mean, shit, it was midday during the work week. I had a top bun and was wearing my mom jeans. I didn’t expect to see anyone except the checker.”

At the time of the incident, Blume held a box of tampons, three tubs of hummus and a tomato. Claiming to have only run in for a few items, she neglected to grab a cart or bring in a cloth bag.

From a distance, mashed-up bean spread and feminine products might seem easy to carry. However, after a few laps around the store, and an unexpected encounter with an attractive member of the opposite sex, these items can start to feel very heavy.

Store manager Bernadette Gould remembers seeing Blume circling the refrigerated island of cheese when she saw Blume look up, freeze and turn the same color as the tomato balancing atop the stack of hummus.

“It was like a deer in the headlights type of thing,” Gould recalls. “One minute she’s frozen in front of a wheel of Parmigiano Reggiano, the next she’s diving behind a baguette.”

Once behind the artisanal loaf, Blume focused intently on the balancing tomato, as if to appear a concerned shopper and expert-produce examiner, not worried at all that she was turning the same shade of red as the vegetable.*

Baguette

Leonard Stoney, Blume’s alleged crush or “future ex-husband”, was unaware of her presence. When called for comment, Stoney told reporters to “go fuck yourselves” followed by “Did mike put you up to this?” likely assuming it was a prank call.

Although this might seem like an isolated case, Minerva Blume is not alone. According to the Pew Research Center, nearly 100 percent of adults see other adults at the grocery store. Nearly a third of that percentage run into people they know, and 20 percent see other people they think are real cute.

How researchers and grocery store managers plan to use this information remains unclear, though building larger bread aisles or more hiding places in stores might be the first step.

*Or is it a fruit?

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