As Allegations From Lettuce Ensue, E.Coli Feels Unfairly Persecuted

The afflicted green lying ill on what is likely a cutting board.

“I’m actually already living in lots of people’s stomachs,” The infamous bacteria told reporters. “And I’m only really harmful when mixed with an enticing looking vegetable and a person’s poorly functioning immune system. What I’m saying is, I’m not toxic on my own. Maybe if that romaine wasn’t dressed the way it was, I wouldn’t have reacted with it the way I did.”

According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), 98 illnesses from E.Coli have been reported in 22 states since mid April. There have been 46 hospitalizations and zero product recalls meaning E.Coli is still in grocery stores and on lettuce leaves across the nation.

Lettuce has noted how unsafe it feels knowing government agencies like the CDC and the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) have acknowledged a problem and have yet to initiate any protective measures.

“I just don’t understand how this can be admitted publicly by people in power and yet there’s no recourse,” said the Romaine Lettuce from Yuma, Arizona. “People are being hospitalized. And, rather than the government taking action or being accountable, the solution is left to the leaves who are afflicted. Greens that don’t have the resources to defend themselves.”

Less severe symptoms caused by E.coli include diarrhea, abdominal pain, and fever, though reports of bloody diarrhea, dehydration, or even kidney failure have been seen in those hospitalized.

“You know what else causes dehydration? Coffee,” said E.coli’s lawyer, Brandon White. “Why aren’t people giving up their daily mocha frappuccino macchiato? Instead they want to blame E.coli who wouldn’t have caused harm if people eating lettuce weren’t old or had better immune systems.”

The Roughage and Greens Union of America (RGUA) has held several rallies across the nation since the FDA announced there would be no recall. The RGUA claims E.Coli is blaming the victim, rather than taking responsibility for its actions.

The threat has been recognized by several food groups and, although Arugula is not directly suffering from the effects of E.coli, the leaf held a sign that read “LETTUCE LIVE” as it marched in solidarity with its green comrade.

“Just because it’s not happening to me, doesn’t mean I don’t need to stand in support,” Arugula told reporters. “I love romaine, and showing up in these times is more crucial than ever. It’s like Martin Luther King Jr. said ‘Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.’”

For more information on E.Coli, its effects, how to be an ally and protect your greens visit the RGUA’s website at www.lettucebe.com

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