BREAKING: Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO) Replaced with Widespread Fear Of Joining In (FOJI)
“We never saw it coming,” said Center of Disease Control (CDC) data analyst Julie McJohnson. “There were certain clues — outliers — but that happens. They were statistically irrelevant.”
McJohnson and her fellows have studied trends of Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO) since 2009, just weeks after Kanye West* and Adidas released the Yeezy 750 Boost “Light Brown” sneakers. Only 9000 shoes were made, each priced at $350, and were sold out within 10 minutes of their release.
Given the shoes were clearly aesthetically displeasing, described by one researcher as “The fugliest things I’ve ever seen,” analysts were fascinated by the power and persuasion of FOMO.
It turned out the shoes were an investment, reselling for up to $2300. While initially FOMO seemed purposeless, after some investigation analysts found a link to the human need to survive, which is why the shift to Fear Of Joining In (FOJI) is so worrisome.
“I received a text from my wife right before I got off work,” research participant Ben Lucrene told reporters. “It said, ‘not gonna make it home today, lol. Don’t wanna be in traffic or join fam dinner so sleeping under desk.’ Then she sent a meme of Homer Simpson disappearing into a bush. Just…how could she?”
The fact that the “lol” placed in the text message didn’t soften the blow shows the severity of this dilemma — a fact that’s not lost on CDC analyst Julie McJohnson.
“We’ve seen a lack of voter turnout, but not wanting to go to trivia night? This is a new, incredibly concerning low,” said McJohnson. “We need to play trivia. We need to buy the fugly shoes. We need to be angry and frustrated alongside other drivers. For survival.”
And folks like Lucrene are not alone. The stats show that 1 in 20 Americans are suffering from FOJI and that doesn’t include those indirectly affected — family members, friends, even fellow drivers lingering in traffic.
If you or a loved one is suffering from FOJI please contact 1 (800) MISS OUT to receive lots and lots of unsolicited, maybe useless advice.
*Kanye was emailed for comment, and reporters received an auto reply message saying “Kanye is God, and God doesn’t email. Pray to Me and I’ll answer if I choose to.”
