Hoping to Burn Calories? Set Yourself on Fire!
“This new workout will really scorch that fat!” Scream-cries the PiroLates instructor before beginning the session. “You won’t even recognize yourself by the end.”
As the world is constantly telling us, obesity — or really ANY sign of jiggly skin — is getting out of control due to people’s sheer laziness and not at all to because of the stressors threatening everyone’s ability to stay alive.
Thankfully, doctors — or no…wait, sorry — random people in the comment sections of Facebook — have banded together to create a miracle workout designed to really make you sweat.
One of its inventors, Jim Brown of Ohio who can be seen holding a fish in his profile picture on Facebook, says he was at a loss when doctors said it might benefit him to lose 2 pounds to alleviate pressure on his knee.
“It was really absurd,” said Brown. “They gave me five suggestions and that was one of them and I thought: ‘I might as well light myself on fire!’ then I paused and was like, ‘Wait that’s a great idea! I should light myself on fire!’”
Brown and other Facebook commenters are set to have their first class tonight and invited newscasters to document its christening. The instructor, a 6' 11" bodybuilder named Hank, is really “hyped” as he always is but especially about new workouts.
“When Jim asked if I’d be interested in leading the first session I had one word for him: CHEEYAAA!!” Hank said giving two aggressive thumbs up. “I told him safety first, so we should all participate from our homes so it won’t get too hot and it’s more accessible to those in need.”
It’s hard to know the right answers these days, and providing new solutions like these trailblazers is critical for our society to get better. Or at least look very different after.
