Parents Freeze Hoping Children Can’t See Them
Parents everywhere are attempting a new mind-control tactic similar to peek-a-boo and less invasive than the old-fashioned guilt-trip.
Child psychologists developed the behavior management tool they call the “Freeze-No-Sees” in a lab deep in the forest. Their hope is to encourage parents to mimic behavior similar to the deer frequently running by their lab.
“It all started when a tree moved and scared the shit out of me,” Dr. Jude Lovingstein told reporters. “Turns out it was just a deer standing so still and frozen I thought it was just some brown shrubbery. Then, also, the night before, I ate all my son’s favorite cookies and he caught me in the act. So, I was all, ‘huh, maybe if I’d just stayed way frozener — like that fawn— he wouldn’t have seen me.’”
The lab results have largely proven Dr. Lovingstein’s hypothesis correct. Five in 8 parents and practitioners of FNS report consuming several of their children’s favorite treats without consequence. Parents Elizabeth and Jim Nottingham, however, report issues in its practice.
“Our 13-year-old daughter Martha went to the mall with her friends,” Mrs. Nottingham told reporters. “We tagged along without telling her, of course, and stood about 30 feet away. We tried the Freeze-No-Sees and it’s like instead of being invisible she and her friends noticed us more.”
Dr. Lovingstein noted that as children age, their eyesight will get better as their egos become more fragile. This combination induces a ninja-like response to parents’ presence, disempowering FNS and its practitioners.
“Even when you don’t move your body, a slight parting of the lips to say ‘Do you think she sees us?’ can lift the veil on the illusion,” says Dr. Lovingstein. “My best advice for parents of adolescence is to wear solid colors, mostly brown, so maybe your kid will think your a tree. Yeah, like — a tree in the middle of the mall.”
As lab and real-world results show promise, clinical child psychologists are beginning to claim that, with the help of magicians, full parental invisibility is in our future.
For more information on FNS visit Dr. Jude Lovingstein at his lab. Maps to the forest-lab can be found on children’s menus in family restaurants everywhere.
